Calorie Counting for Dummies

Hello friends!  It’s that time of the year again, summer.  Time to get it tight get it right, right ladies?  Or try to at least.  Low-carb is very in, so is vegetable soup, South Beach, Slim Fast, Green Tea Fat Burner, Xenadrine, Alli “you may experience greasy anal discharge” has also been quite popular at my pharmacy.   But one tried and true technique is the old classic, “Calorie Counting.”  How this works is, you find out how many calories are in everything that you eat, write it down, and add it all up.  The point is to stay under a certain daily calorie intake by the end of the day.

The problem with this method is, the calories always get used up before the end of the day.  Then what do you do?  You could eat less earlier in the day, but this constant failure is not good for anyone’s self esteem.  People need training wheels.  If you’re learning to swim, you can’t just jump in the olympic sized pool and be expected to Michael Phelps your way to the other side.  You need floaties.  So me and Cit formulated some helpful training wheels for the calorie counting novice in the form of deductions.

Rule #1:  All calories consumed before 10AM is 20% off.

Justification:  Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and is likely to be burned off quicker.  So if you are going to eat something fatty, do it in the morning.

Rule #2: If there was a decision between white refined carbs, and complex whole grains and you chose whole grains, give yourself a 10% deduction.

Justification:  Nothing truly truly sinful has whole grains in it (e.g. Sprinkles red velvet cupcakes) so you should reward yourself for sidestepping those options.  Whole grains usually have insoluble fiber which keeps you full and helps you poop, which is good for your GI tract.

Rule #3:  Calories from food bitten off of someone else’s plate don’t count.

Justification:  You COULD HAVE ordered the McGriddle with Sausage and Egg if you wanted to, but you didn’t.  And you just wanted to taste it.  Instead you got a medium coffee.  Black.  No sugar.  If it were to push you over the edge to order it in the future, those calories would count.  I think the price of temptation is enough, don’t you?

Rule #4:  Rollover calories are ok.

Justification:  If you were really good one day, you should be able to keep you calories for the weekend.  It’s the American way.

Rule #5:  Anything you eat while watching TV and that you aren’t looking straight at, doesn’t count.

Justification:  Hm.  This was one of Cit’s.  I don’t know about this one.

Rule #6:   Whole Foods deduction 20%

Justification:  Because you already paid off the Whole Foods organic mafia for those calories.

Rule #7:  Sparingly applied dressing deduction.  25% off.

Justification:  A for effort.

Rule #8:  Chinese “I don’t want to waste” deduction.  Full deduction.

Justification:  If you can be honest and say that you cleaned your plate not out of lack of self dicipline, but because you didn’t want to waste, you can deduct the full amount of the leftover food in question.  For example, yesterday I ate shabu shabu and i was full but there were 5 slices of beef left.  I could have stopped, really, but I just didn’t want to waste.  I was taught that the dead will rise and haunt me in my sleep if I did.  Had it been another type of cuisine, a to-go box would have been ok, deeming the deduction invalid.  This deduction is only given in rare circumstances, and I didn’t just make it up because I ate this meal yesterday.

I hope this is helpful.  After a while, it may be wise to take off the floaties and try to do it the right way.  But if you need a litte help and like math, this may be a good starting point.  Let me leave you a picture of what not to eat (courtesy of Paula Deen).  Because the 20% breakfast deduction would not help very much anyway.

PD Heart Attack.1

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~ by chuionthis on June 4, 2009.

2 Responses to “Calorie Counting for Dummies”

  1. I see that you only credited me for the problematic T.V. watching deductions scheme, even though I also helped formulate the Whole Foods deduction, the spare application of dressing deduction, and the salad deduction, and DOE deductions 1-50. I am filing my complaint at the Ventura Superior Court tomorrow morning if you do not cease and desist with your selective accreditation process. Best regards, Cit, Esq. Pending.

  2. hahaha. you guys are hilarious. i simply love discounts, no matter what it’s on!

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